Dear [Insert Name],
I need your immediate attention!
I don’t say this lightly. . . .
I have recently decided to end my historic tenure as Speaker of the House.
Some of you may be wondering, Does this mean that I will no longer receive fund-raising e-mails every two hours with the subject line “The end of the free world is nigh! Please chip in $5 to save democracy”? No, of course not. As long as there are politicians, they will ask you for things with the same guilt-tripping theatrics as your parents.
Also, I can’t promise that I won’t relapse and D.M. you at 3 A.M. the next time that A.O.C. tries to pass the Purple New Deal. Or green? I don’t know; I don’t see color.
Sure, it’s a lot of e-mails. I don’t like to give dating advice, but, if you’re hearing from me more than you hear from the person you’re seeing, they’re not that into you. I am. I hear complaints, like, “I just gave you cash last week—where did it go?!” And I’ll be honest, we spent it on state-of-the-art cyborgs for the police that are specially designed to annihilate cicadas. We felt like that was a priority.
I know what you’re thinking. . . .
After serving as one of the chief decision-makers for the Democratic Party for the past two decades and surviving a straight-up coup, how can I let every Republican’s wet dream of seeing the word “former” typed next to my title come true? The choice wasn’t easy.
Running for Congress in the first place? Easy decision. My father was a congressman, before which he and my brother were mayors. Money and power are in my blood and in my bank account. I was bored and cold at a Presidential Inauguration before most of you were even born.
Wearing kente cloth and kneeling on the floor? Another easy decision. It was the coolest I’ve ever looked. I have that picture framed in my living room next to one of me shaking hands with Barack Obama after we passed the Affordable Care Act. It was taken in the corner of the house in which I like to be photographed.
I’ll be blunt—this wasn’t an easy decision. Politics for me used to be simple. All I had to do was rely on conservatives doing morally corrupt things consistently enough that I, Nancy Pelosi, pretty much looked good by default. And conservatives delivered every flipping time, like clockwork. I could cautiously ruminate for as long as I wanted before presenting the same ideas in new packaging—much like Apple, or James Cameron. Love those guys. But then people started criticizing me for being “out of touch” just because I have a net worth of more than a hundred million dollars and wanted to cut deals with moderates like Joe Manchin, whose energy is best described as old-man-lost-at-a-Costco.
Times are a-changin’ and I guess it’s no longer good enough just to be anti-climate change. I have to do something drastic about it, too, and I guess that something can’t be further inflating the defense budget in case shit goes sideways and the Hunger Games begin. . . . My bad. Perhaps that was the wrong takeaway from binging a bunch of post-apocalyptic movies.
So, before I officially step down to be a background actor in our government, I want to ask you . . . one last time . . . to please . . . contribute $15 . . . NOW!
I won’t sugarcoat it. Our democracy is relying on YOUR $15! What were you even gonna spend it on? Three coffees? Wow. You think having three medium oat-milk lattes is more important than the future of this country? Selfish! Our forefathers put their lives on the line and you can’t even give up some espresso?
I’m begging you, [Insert Name]. Are you going to just sit there in this moment of crisis or are you going to RISE UP with me and fight?
Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight just projected that, by the time you finish reading this sentence, more than two people won’t donate to me. Statistics don’t lie. Can I count on you to do the right thing?
Fine, do whatever you want! It’s a free country (for now), no thanks to you. Hope you enjoy your caffeinated beverage as Republicans desecrate our institutions and piss all over our checks and balances.
What’s that? You’re changing your mind?
O.K., nice! Thanks for the $15 donation, [Insert Name]. What am I going to do with it? Hmm . . . more cyborgs? ♦
